Flip the Script on Codependent Turn-On
...And Use That Potent Sexual Energy For Your True Desires
Ever meet someone and it feels too good to be true?
…Like your first date went for 24 hours, they say I love you in the first week, the dopamine is straight SURGING in your system, and it feels like you’re on Molly every time you think about them?
…Then the red flags start showing up - the little lies, the dramatic fights (only to be fixed by the hottest make-up sex EVER), which turns into big lies, withholding important emotions and needs…
…And then the sexual chemistry flatlines and dies along with the relationship like a magnificent dying star.
HELLO my unchecked codependent fantasy loop, we meet again.
Real talk, this exact scenario has happened to me at least 6 times - 24 hour dates and all.
It’s the most attractively addicting feeling in the world to find oneself embroiled in such a chemically potent dynamic, and a very crushing illusion to wake up to each time.
Well… this was me in most of my monogamous/dating relationships. It took me a number of years *cough cough* most of my dating history, to start to understand what the red flags were for me in my romantic endeavors. Not ALL of them were like this, but the very few that weren’t tended to be so easeful, I couldn’t help but fuck shit up and create some kind of drama or let it fade because truly, it wasn’t chaotic enough for me.
Spending years in this fantasy pattern takes a toll, especially with self-trust; one I’m sure many can relate to when it comes to dating or otherwise.
I have to acknowledge that my discomfort (and absolute revulsion) of this pattern was indeed what drove me to begin deeper inquiry, and has become a wildly fulfilling journey.
Sometimes, it be like that.
Through my study of the Gene Keys, I found that this shadow of Fantasy is a part of my Radiance, one of my hidden gifts, which ultimately has given me the strength to explore the darker corners of this frequency with just a liiiiiiiiittle bit more faith.
A little background about fantasy - The mind cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality because of the way it activates our bodies and senses. It’s like when you wake up from a terrible dream; your heart is racing and you’re covered in sweat wondering if you really just escaped spiders the size of dinner plates in another dimension.
Truth be told, while I wanted to find a healthy, nourishing relationship, MY BODY was still caught in the chemical fantasy of being loved by someone that completed the codependent dynamic that I was raised in…because if I could be loved by THEM then that would mean that I was finally worthy.
FINALLY.
However, this is not the story of me becoming worthy through finding my true love. It’s about how I experimented with redirecting my body’s wounded turn-on towards what I consciously desire for myself.
Whether you resonate as being codependent or not, if you find yourself in fantasy that takes you away from what’s in your best interests….this is for you too.
I believe that sex and sexual energy has wildly chaotic power for manifestation that rightly so, is both intensely feared and. You don’t get to choose how it comes to pass, you just have to cling on while life takes you into the Twilight Zone.
It’s why ritual and ceremony are not just mental exercises at their best, but embodied acts that activate the senses and create congruency between your body and mind.
It’s also why body-based healing modalities have become MUCH more popular as we live in a culture that has overly prioritized the mind and we’re starting to realize that we can’t actually ascend past the body, as many religions would like you to believe.
So…back to this unconscious part of me used to run the show. We’ll call her Codependent Carrie. She 100% has a type - tall, dark, brooding; most likely a Scorpio or Cancer with an addiction to working out. Bonus points if they’re adorably shy, tend towards the avoidant pole in relationships and “open up to very few people.”
So here I was… on this incredible summer night. Opening a vortex on the dance floor like I love to do and there was this GORGEOUS man that caught my eye. My tendency is to be a subtle seducer, and when someone doesn’t make a move that I REALLY want to, it turns me on just a liiiiiiitle bit more because it forces me to play the dominant role.
We spent some time making eyes, connected in a decadent cuddle puddle, and had a super hot contact improv dance. We exchanged numbers, and when we parted my body was on FIRE.
I literally spent hours of MULTIPLE days fantasizing about him. Honestly, who needs a vibrator when every time he would text, a lightning bolt would shoot down my chest and into my pussy!
But ohhhhh fuck…..
I knew this feeling well, and as much as I wanted it SO BAD, I had to take a long pause.
I couldn’t take my attention off of him (much to the detriment of a lot of other REALLY important things I needed to get done) and so I did what any sane person experiencing overwhelming amounts of turn-on would do…
…I masturbated….but this wasn’t some ordinary masturbation session
As I was reaching for my pleasure tools, an idea struck because I’ve been on the Existential Kink vibe for a while. My body was flooded with this codependent desire, a hunger that I knew deep down was not what I ACTUALLY wanted so…. I decided to hijack the surge of life-force I already felt and envisioned….
…my deepening connection with my soul and the full embodiment of it through my authentic expression.
…my thriving business that truly makes huge impact in people’s lives brings me tons of comfortability with money.
…the expansion of beautiful friendships and community that I feel held and supported in, and I can hold and support them in as well.
…the incredible opportunities to perform at huge venues and create epic costuming for myself and others.
…and all the sexy photoshoots I’m going to do in my future.
You know what? Ever since then I can feel the energy moving in this direction.
I’ve already had one MIND-BLOWING photoshoot, been feeling more creative and centered in my work and had a friend ask me to create a costume for her for next Halloween.
It hasn’t been all roses though. I just emerged from an importantly massive shame spiral (that I’ll definitely be discussing in an upcoming article) that broke through the next layer of my Good Girl programming.
I didn’t ask for trivial things and as Susan B. David would say, Discomfort is the Price of Admission for a Meaningful Life.
So remember…your turn on is a MASSIVE opportunity to re-pattern your body - you can thank me later. ;)
PS. I’m offering 75-minute sessions to assist you in witnessing your unconscious hang-ups and embodying what you TRULY want in your life <3
You can Book a Session Here
PPS. If you’re picking up what I’m throwing down about the body-mind connection and want to learn to frolic hand-in-hand with your Shadow, I’m hosting a workshop, Altar Ego: A Ritual Journey to Connect with Your Potential on November 14th, 2022 at The Center SF & November 27th, 2022 at Shiva Yoga Wellness in San Jose.
PPS. I’ll be starting a paid tier here on SubStack for a small fee that makes it clear that you’re here for ALL the weird, and will help me feel exponentially more comfy sharing the even juicer stories in my repertoire, along with more in-depth practical exercises and potentially a monthly livestream where we can REALLY get into it :)
Thank you!